“We give thanks to You with grattitude in lessons learned in how to trust in you” April 21, 2009

I am moving out of Gabriel House in a little under 2 weeks. I wish I could stay, but to take care of me I have to go. I leave with mixed feelings about living in community. I’ve had mixed feelings about everything the past few months, it’s very stressful. I love everyone I live with, so I am sad to go, but I am excited for new opportunities. To be honest I am also excited for what I hope will be more quietness, I am now embracing the fact that I am an extremely peaceful living type person and that that is ok.
I have been running errands for a woman I met at CCTP while she takes care of her parents. I don’t like running errands but it’s semi flexible and the pay is alright. I also start working at Buzzy’s tomorrow. We will see how that goes. I didn’t really plan on having 3 jobs. I hope I don’t wear myself down too much. With the budget cut and not having any kindergarten children in the program next school year, the NRC won’t be able to use me as a teacher. Especially since I am going back to school and my schedule will not work with theirs.  I love it at the NRC though. Everything they stand for is everything I am passionate about; Community, children, being sustainable, gardening, education, affordable opportunities for folks with lower income and on some level spirituality as well. It is a wonderful place. Even if I can’t work here I will definitely still dedicate some of my time to this place.
Some strange things have been going on on my block recently. Friday two police cars pulled up to me as I was getting in my car and asked if I live here. The cop that asked was very sarcastic and rude. The two of them had a good laugh about my living here. It makes me so angry that cops work of stereo types and that a young white female can’t live in this neighborhood without being suspected a drug dealer/buyer or a prostitute. My neighbor has a dog in his back yard that has been outside all week and I think it has a weighted collar on which means it’s being trained to be a fighting dog. So I want to call animal control but I don’t know how strenuous the consequences to that are. He is an older man, and I would rather not send him to jail. They can fine him, and take the dog away. I think that is just, but no jail. I am probably worrying too much. Then last night around 12:15am some woman started banging on the door so hard the house was shaking and she was yelling “hello!” Lonnie wasn’t waking up which is crazy to me that he didn’t hear it but he heard me knocking on his door. So he got up to check it out and by the time he got downstairs she was gone. I ended up calling the police just to have them drive around the block and by the house to make sure nothing crazy was going on. I don’t know if they did or not but it made me feel better. Even though I was so pissed at the cops earlier this weekend. Hopefully I will sleep better at the new place. Hopefully there will be no mistreated dogs and gunfire.

All I want is a peaceful existence. I am pretty sure I will never truly have that since my heart is so compelled to want to end poverty and fight racism. I am working on letting go a bit, for my own peace of mind, because I know I can be thankful also that I am just an instrument in this world, that if I die the world goes on. I heard someone say once “God doesn’t need me to do a damn thing” and this may be strange but remembering that helps me breath a little bit easier and not feel the weight of the world so much.  It doesn’t mean I am not going to try to make life a little better for people, it just means I can know that life goes on and things always work out the way they are supposed to no matter how painful that is sometimes. Life is truly good.

“Come down from the mountain, you have been gone too long” April 6, 2009

Being “home” always seems strange to me. Seeing people I haven’t seen in a while, remembering random things from the past. I ran into an old friend today. He and his brother are twins and I saw them both and was still able to tell them apart, they are identical, I was very surprised with myself. I really cared about these guys when we were in school. Something that frustrates me is when people have so much potential but they get into drugs and other such things. The brother that I was closer to was very much into drugs, he was in a band and I would go see them play and I was friends with most of the guys in the band. Friday nights my church would open up the youth room so people could come “jam” together so we would all hang out and play guitar. I was always on his case about his drug use, I am a worrier. Every once in a while over the years I have thought about where he might be and pray that he is doing well. Today I was able to talk to him briefly, enough to find out that he is starting basic training for the Navy soon. As much as I disagree with war and military, there is something to be said for him going because to me that says he is doing well. It was really good to see him, even just briefly.
All this being said, I also had a conversation today with a friend of mine who I guess I have been friends with for about 5 years now. He asked me if I was coming back for the summer before I start grad school. That had never even crossed my mind. My response to him was probably stronger than it needed to be, but it was basically no, I probably won’t ever come back to live. I really do like Richmond. I like the people I have met and the things they care about. I like that I feel like I could make a difference in the city and that I have continually put myself out of my comfort zone. I like that there are things to do in Richmond but it is very casual and laid back. I like that somehow everyone I have met seems to know at least someone else I have met. I like that I didn’t grow up with anyone there, but I still have friends that are tied to home and friends that are from college. I also have some extended family around. It is the perfect culmination of where my life journey has been leading me and where I come from. I may not stay there forever I know, but I don’t intend to move back to the suburbs of Baltimore…well, it’s somewhere in between suburbs and country, but I’m not coming back if I can help it.
This week will be a lot of visiting. I spent time with my family today, we went to West Virginia for brunch. I think my families brunch experience criteria is it has to be at least an hour away, we have to drive down at least one dirt road, we have to pass lots of cows, and on the way home we have to go a completely different way than the way we come and essentially say things like, “I don’t know which way we should go we need to be near that mountain over there.” As much as I think it’s crazy and at times I complain about it, I secretly love it. We passed some beautiful scenery. It made me want to do things like go hiking and kayaking. I wish people didn’t have to work this week.