I lost my wallet today…I left it on the roof of my car and drove away…it could happen to anyone! Anyway, I didn’t freak out as much as I thought I might. I canceled all my cards and am getting new ones sent. There was no money in the wallet. So I went back to work after looking for the wallet, then went to the bank to get things straightened out, made it to the DMV after they were closed so I didn’t get a new license, but thank goodness I didn’t because when I came home my wallet was on the front porch! Thank God for whoever left it there, and praise God it wasn’t stolen off the porch. Everything was still in it, except it has clearly been run over by a car…probably my car. It amazes me how everything in life works out. At least so far it has. I have had my share of disappointment’s, and being annoyed at not being able to control life, but if I did I would probably screw it up.
Ive been fairly at peace lately, its been a really nice feeling compared to the few weeks until recently. I am really blessed to be given only good choices most of the time. I stress out about making the decisions, i think I am a bad decision maker…well maybe not bad at it but I don’t like making decisions. Which is interesting because I make decisions for my students all day long, but when it comes to my life not so much. I think it has to do partly with a fear of failure, and partly from a fear of missing out on something. I think part of my peacefulness comes from letting go of some things. Like my ideas and expectations of what moving here would be like. Yeah, all those ideas are out the door. I don’t regret it though, but I think I don’t regret it only because i’ve let go. I thought moving here was part of letting go, but in the end, I don’t think it was. Maybe letting go is having no expectations and letting what will be, be. Not that I won’t try and better myself and my life. I will just learn to let go more, worry less.
I finished the last weekend of CCTP. I met some awesome people. I am very glad to have had the experience. I think it is funny the way people describe their observation of me. I was the youngest there, and I got a lot of comments on people enjoying watching me “blossom” ha, I just wasn’t all that comfortable to begin with, once I got more comfortable my wit or smart assness came out, depending on how you would like to look at it 
So if I joke around with you right off the bat consider yourself lucky, that means I am comfortable around you. So in the end we were able to write a little something to each person in the program. I really like affirming people in that way. Not going to lie, I also like affirmation, but who doesn’t. The really lovely thing was that people were consistent when writing about me, and I don’t think they were just trying to be nice. It is nice to look at something and feel like people have a sense of me, and hopefully I was able to get a sense of them. I got a lot of gentle and kind soul comments. I hope that is true. I hope it makes people comfortable around me. I am going rock climbing on Saturday with one of the ladies, I haven’t been in a few months so I am excited to go. Then I am going home for a whole week! I can’t wait! I hope the week goes by quickly.
Really, truely blessed March 31, 2009
“Just sing a song and let love shine, cause that’s just life” March 24, 2009
This weekend was the best weekend I have had in a long time. It began Friday with Stations of the Cross at St. Benedict’s. It was an interesting service, I haven’t been to a Catholic Church since I was a child and then I only went once or twice. It was interesting to see how they did Stations of the Cross. Then I went to Impanema with Michelle, the food was excellent and the company. We then went to meet some of her friends at Emilio’s for some live Jazz music. The band was very fun and by the end of the night we were all dancing.
Saturday was a clothes swap at Alicia’s that included mimosas and trading old clothes for new to us clothes. Then we headed over to the Irish festival. All we really did there was drink free beer and watch one good bluegrass band. There was some dancing involved in that as well. After the festival I took a long nap and then went to dinner at Emily’s house. I hadn’t seen her in a long time so it was nice to catch up.
The weekend finale was Mrs. Farrell’s Ruckus. I know I am not a Mrs. Farrell but I am very lucky to be dubbed an honorary Mrs. Farrell. This Ruckus we went belly dancing. The woman who was teaching the lesson said we all did very well. She said that usually the white folks don’t get it right away, but the black folks do. Little does she know, I may look white but deep inside there is a funky black woman
After the Ruckus I went to look at a room for rent in Montrose Heights which is right in between Church Hill and Fulton Hill, in the crack between the two hills. The room was great and so was the house. The woman who lives there seems like someone I could definitely get along with. She has the politest 6 year old I have ever met in my life. I must have made a good impression too because the little girl drew me a picture of me in the room. The little girl is quite the artist, in the down stairs bathroom she had painted under the chair rail a picture of the house with a sun and a big tree, birds and flowers, it is pretty sweet. I pray I get this room. I would be moving in mid May if I get it. It is also close enough that I can still be involved at Gabriel house. Plus I am closer to work.
I am trying to get another part time job, so if anyone knows of anything or has any suggestions let me know. I am available in the morning until noon. And in the evenings after 5pm. A coffee shop type job would be ideal. Or any job that has flexible hours since I will be going back to school.
So very exciting things happening; I have to be honest and say I did not expect things to turn out exciting, and I was incredibly worried for a while about how things were going to go down. It does look as if God has everything in control as always though. Even if it looks like crap to me at first, it all turns out at the end. I forget that a lot
Conversation/music March 19, 2009
I’ve been trying to pin point what makes a good conversation vs. a bad one. I know i’m not the leading person on starting a conversation, I am pretty shy in general. I think that part of my not starting conversations as often is that I would rather have a good conversation with someone rather than just talk to talk…unfortunately, once I get to know someone a little bit more I talk a bit too much, and I say some pretty silly things sometimes.
I think a good conversation with someone you don’t know that well still has some level of depth to it but can also just graze the surface. I’ve noticed an element of a good conversation is some sort of feeling. That feeling could even be a lightheartedness about a subject that leads to laughter. A good conversation is one where you can walk away feeling you have learned a bit about a persons story and perhaps a really good conversation is one where you can resonate with that persons story on some level.
So I am fairly able to know what I consider a good conversation and can walk away from conversations thinking that. However, the shallow conversations I have heard or been a part of, I can’t quite give them specific characteristics to fully explain why they were shallow conversations. Perhaps it is me and I found the person uninteresting or perhaps the person was unable to communicate their story well to me.
I could say what a good conversation on music is to me, given that I really like music. I could tell you the elements of that conversation would be that someone was talking about music that they resonate with on some level, even if it is just that the song makes them happy. I have heard shallow conversations about music, among other things, but for the sake of an example we will go with music. I just can’t pin point what made it a bad conversation.
A conversation about what is on a persons Ipod could be a bad conversation depending on the goal of saying what is on ones ipod. For example, “Omg, I can’t believe this is on your ipod” is probably the start of a bad conversation . If you are discussing musical taste and perhaps introducing someone to new music or music that means something to you then that could be a good conversation.
I do believe that music has the ability to resonate with me on a level where there are certain songs that can help share my story or how I feel at certain times. Music is my escape. So music was probably a bad example for good vs. bad conversation, since i’m probably pretty picky about the subject. This was probably a horribly incoherent post.
Does anyone have any thoughts on what makes a good or bad conversation? What are the elements of each?
“If I wander until I die may I know whose hand I’m in.” March 17, 2009
I have been having a really hard time with the fact that I can’t get in state tuition. It is also just hitting me that I am poor. I have lost sight of all the reasons and convictions I had for moving into the house I live in and only working part time. Which is a terrible place to be in because now all I can think of is how stinkin’ poor I am and how am I going to pay for school. I really want to go. I don’t want to teach…lots of people keep telling me, well you could get a public school teaching job. Well I could, but I don’t like the system. I’d rather work outside the system and change it by being aware of what is going on in the districts and being an advocate for children and education. I would rather change children’s lives by helping them meet their basic needs so that they can be successful in school. I have seen too many kids with too much baggage that gets ignored so they can pass a standardized test. Children are not standardized everyone is individual, you can’t teach to a test and expect a child to be excited about learning. So I really want to go back to school so that I can help in that capacity.
My new life plan is to move to England on a British Pass Port and work for a few months so I don’t feel like I wasted a year of adventuring or perusing some way to better myself by having an interesting life experience. Not that I couldn’t do that working and living here. I really do like it here. I love my friends and my job and I am sure having work two jobs would build some sort of character. Everything just seems very uncertain right now, and this time there are no exciting options or options that seem concrete. Last time life was so uncertain I could choose anything and not go wrong, I don’t have that this time.
I have passed up the time and opportunity to live in England once before and if there is one thing I regret in life it is passing that opportunity up. If I lived there I could still be paying Va. state taxes and I could just treat England as holiday of sorts. Except that I would be working. The only problem I can see is I would want to go on my British citizenship which may screw with tuition again. Unless I still write down that my permanent address is here, which it will be. I don’t know, there has to be some loop hole, preferably a legal one.
On the verge of regret… March 12, 2009
Our house caught on fire yesterday. We didn’t have to call the fire department and nobody was hurt, but I now question the stability of the back porch beam holding up the roof. I hope the house doesn’t cave in, that would suck.
This adds to the list of drama since moving here. The house has been broken into, my bike was stolen. The house car was stolen, and now the house being on fire adds to the crazy list…all this happened in a mere 7 months.
On a completely different note, I am on a quest for in- state tuition for Graduate school. I am not sure I will find out before my April 1st deadline of letting the school know if I accept the acceptance. I may have to defer until 2010. I just want to get this show on the road!
I am going to look for a second part time job. I really like my job at the NRC so I am not going to quit to get a full time job. Working at a coffee shop could be nice. We shall see. I don’t want to work 2 part time jobs for a whole year though. Hmm…what to do? A few friends have offered to adopt me so I can get in-state tuition. It may boil down to a brawl in the middle of the street involving cats as weapons to see who gets to adopt me. I just want to be able to afford school, and life really. Living simply is not so simple.
Snow! March 2, 2009
I am almost all moved into the yellow room. I got impatient and moved some of my things in regardless of not having all the curtains up and not having the corner pieces on the window trim. It will get done. I think Jackson (the cat) is annoyed or confused by my moving into what he probably believes is his room. He likes to sit in the window. Since I have been in here he has come and sniffed every corner of everything. He has even jumped on my dresser to sniff.
It was a snow day today! And I believe I have one tomorrow as well Daniel and Alicia and I walked to Buzzy’s. It was nice to walk in the snow. Then I spent a good bit of my day moving things and listening to music which was some much needed relaxation. I am headed back over to Dan and Alicia’s in a bit for some grilled cheese and champagne
I went to the Hope in the Cities, Connecting Communities Trust building training this weekend and will go back next weekend. It was nice to be away from the house for a weekend, even though I didn’t want to go. Talking in front of a bunch of people and meeting a lot of people I don’t know all at one time is way out of my comfort zone. I actually really enjoyed it though. I met a lot of really interesting people. Of course I was the youngest there, but I like learning from people who have experienced more life than I have so I am ok with being the youngest. The lady I am sharing a room with told me that I am a very centered and peaceful person. That was nice of her, I don’t feel like that though. I suppose I am glad that I seem that way though. I hope it helps other people feel calm and comfortable around me.
