Week off June 15, 2009

I have a week off from the NRC. I am trying to decide what to do with my time this week. Since I still have to work some at Buzzy’s I can’t really go anywhere. My sister is coming next Sunday and usually if I go somewhere Sunday is my day to travel back. So I think I will take some time to enjoy Richmond this week. There is tons I haven’t done here. I definitely want to steel Sha’nia (the little girl I used to live with) and take her to Maymont, mostly because I have never been.
Other things on my agenda for the week,yoga every day, reading out in the yard under the shade of the giant tree, reverse painting a scene on the windows I bought, visiting with friends, bike riding,find new music to listen to, Charlottsville with Lynne and maybe lunch with my dad, hang out with my grandma, visit with my sister and brother in law Sunday. It is going to be a good week. I am going to make it a week to go slow and rejuvenate.

June 2, 2009

My heart has been real heavy lately. These past couple weeks the theme that seems to be following me is death and disaster. Granted none of these incidents directly effect me but I can’t help but feel sad.
It begins a few weeks ago, my last week in Church Hill a young man is murdered a block away. It continues with my old housemates van getting stolen. Then I move. There is a hold up with gun fire directed at police out a window from a house at the end of my new street. Then I find out that my temporary neighbor from my time at Lynne’s dies, the man also happened to be my old housemates brother in law. He was a very nice man. Then, today, I find out that a 2 year old child who lives across the street from me passed away Sunday. The sermon at the Church I attended on Sunday was about death. Tonight I read there was a large house fire on 23rd street. I have lots of good friends and old neighbors who live in the two blocks near that house. Needless to say I read that and had a slight heart attack. What on earth is going on!?
I did read something good today about a more affordable form of communication for non-verbal children with autism. There is an application for the Ipod touch and Iphone that is similar to the technology they have which is bulky and cost thousands. This was my good news for the day. My glimmer of hope.
I actually felt really off this afternoon like something bad was going to happen, and an aching thought in my mind was some sort of fire…but at my house. I pray everyone is ok.

Embarking on a new adventure May 3, 2009

Another page in my life has been turned this weekend. It is bittersweet. While I am sad that to leave Gabriel house because I really believed in what was initially a common goal and philosophy, I am also excited to embark on a new “adventure.” I am sort of  homeless right now which is an interesting feeling. I am house sitting for a friend and then I will move on from here to my new place. I am really excited to get to know the woman I will be living with and her daughter. I am also excited to continue to learn more about myself and who I am. I have done a lot of that in the past 8 months and it’s been a good time.

Some things I have learned about myself since I have moved to Richmond are I love peace and quiet, give me a book and a glass of wine after a long day and I am a happy lady. I also enjoy going out, my favorite thing is going to hear good music with good friends. Anything with friends is good, the friends I hang around most here make me laugh a lot which is lovely. I think this week I am going to find that doing things just for me will seem strange. At Gabriel house if I cleaned the house, made dinner, went to the store, ect. it wasn’t just for me, it was for other people as well. I think I kind of liked that, I like feeling useful and helpful to people. I now know that I am fairly decent at networking and it is something that I enjoy, I like seeing how things fit together and how people can work together for common goals. I think the main thing I have learned, which influenced my decision to live where I am going to live next, is that I get energy by surrounding myself with things different from what I am used to and different from me. Like amercing myself in a new culture. I am really lucky that I feel I can do this and still have the support system of friends and family who have a lot in common with me.  I love learning about people and hearing people’s stories.

“We give thanks to You with grattitude in lessons learned in how to trust in you” April 21, 2009

I am moving out of Gabriel House in a little under 2 weeks. I wish I could stay, but to take care of me I have to go. I leave with mixed feelings about living in community. I’ve had mixed feelings about everything the past few months, it’s very stressful. I love everyone I live with, so I am sad to go, but I am excited for new opportunities. To be honest I am also excited for what I hope will be more quietness, I am now embracing the fact that I am an extremely peaceful living type person and that that is ok.
I have been running errands for a woman I met at CCTP while she takes care of her parents. I don’t like running errands but it’s semi flexible and the pay is alright. I also start working at Buzzy’s tomorrow. We will see how that goes. I didn’t really plan on having 3 jobs. I hope I don’t wear myself down too much. With the budget cut and not having any kindergarten children in the program next school year, the NRC won’t be able to use me as a teacher. Especially since I am going back to school and my schedule will not work with theirs.  I love it at the NRC though. Everything they stand for is everything I am passionate about; Community, children, being sustainable, gardening, education, affordable opportunities for folks with lower income and on some level spirituality as well. It is a wonderful place. Even if I can’t work here I will definitely still dedicate some of my time to this place.
Some strange things have been going on on my block recently. Friday two police cars pulled up to me as I was getting in my car and asked if I live here. The cop that asked was very sarcastic and rude. The two of them had a good laugh about my living here. It makes me so angry that cops work of stereo types and that a young white female can’t live in this neighborhood without being suspected a drug dealer/buyer or a prostitute. My neighbor has a dog in his back yard that has been outside all week and I think it has a weighted collar on which means it’s being trained to be a fighting dog. So I want to call animal control but I don’t know how strenuous the consequences to that are. He is an older man, and I would rather not send him to jail. They can fine him, and take the dog away. I think that is just, but no jail. I am probably worrying too much. Then last night around 12:15am some woman started banging on the door so hard the house was shaking and she was yelling “hello!” Lonnie wasn’t waking up which is crazy to me that he didn’t hear it but he heard me knocking on his door. So he got up to check it out and by the time he got downstairs she was gone. I ended up calling the police just to have them drive around the block and by the house to make sure nothing crazy was going on. I don’t know if they did or not but it made me feel better. Even though I was so pissed at the cops earlier this weekend. Hopefully I will sleep better at the new place. Hopefully there will be no mistreated dogs and gunfire.

All I want is a peaceful existence. I am pretty sure I will never truly have that since my heart is so compelled to want to end poverty and fight racism. I am working on letting go a bit, for my own peace of mind, because I know I can be thankful also that I am just an instrument in this world, that if I die the world goes on. I heard someone say once “God doesn’t need me to do a damn thing” and this may be strange but remembering that helps me breath a little bit easier and not feel the weight of the world so much.  It doesn’t mean I am not going to try to make life a little better for people, it just means I can know that life goes on and things always work out the way they are supposed to no matter how painful that is sometimes. Life is truly good.

“Come down from the mountain, you have been gone too long” April 6, 2009

Being “home” always seems strange to me. Seeing people I haven’t seen in a while, remembering random things from the past. I ran into an old friend today. He and his brother are twins and I saw them both and was still able to tell them apart, they are identical, I was very surprised with myself. I really cared about these guys when we were in school. Something that frustrates me is when people have so much potential but they get into drugs and other such things. The brother that I was closer to was very much into drugs, he was in a band and I would go see them play and I was friends with most of the guys in the band. Friday nights my church would open up the youth room so people could come “jam” together so we would all hang out and play guitar. I was always on his case about his drug use, I am a worrier. Every once in a while over the years I have thought about where he might be and pray that he is doing well. Today I was able to talk to him briefly, enough to find out that he is starting basic training for the Navy soon. As much as I disagree with war and military, there is something to be said for him going because to me that says he is doing well. It was really good to see him, even just briefly.
All this being said, I also had a conversation today with a friend of mine who I guess I have been friends with for about 5 years now. He asked me if I was coming back for the summer before I start grad school. That had never even crossed my mind. My response to him was probably stronger than it needed to be, but it was basically no, I probably won’t ever come back to live. I really do like Richmond. I like the people I have met and the things they care about. I like that I feel like I could make a difference in the city and that I have continually put myself out of my comfort zone. I like that there are things to do in Richmond but it is very casual and laid back. I like that somehow everyone I have met seems to know at least someone else I have met. I like that I didn’t grow up with anyone there, but I still have friends that are tied to home and friends that are from college. I also have some extended family around. It is the perfect culmination of where my life journey has been leading me and where I come from. I may not stay there forever I know, but I don’t intend to move back to the suburbs of Baltimore…well, it’s somewhere in between suburbs and country, but I’m not coming back if I can help it.
This week will be a lot of visiting. I spent time with my family today, we went to West Virginia for brunch. I think my families brunch experience criteria is it has to be at least an hour away, we have to drive down at least one dirt road, we have to pass lots of cows, and on the way home we have to go a completely different way than the way we come and essentially say things like, “I don’t know which way we should go we need to be near that mountain over there.” As much as I think it’s crazy and at times I complain about it, I secretly love it. We passed some beautiful scenery. It made me want to do things like go hiking and kayaking. I wish people didn’t have to work this week.

Really, truely blessed March 31, 2009

I lost my wallet today…I left it on the roof of my car and drove away…it could happen to anyone! Anyway, I didn’t freak out as much as I thought I might. I canceled all my cards and am getting new ones sent. There was no money in the wallet. So I went back to work after looking for the wallet, then went to the bank to get things straightened out, made it to the DMV after they were closed so I didn’t get a new license, but thank goodness I didn’t because when I came home my wallet was on the front porch! Thank God for whoever left it there, and praise God it wasn’t stolen off the porch. Everything was still in it, except it has clearly been run over by a car…probably my car. It amazes me how everything in life works out. At least so far it has. I have had my share of disappointment’s, and being annoyed at not being able to control life, but if I did I would probably screw it up.
Ive been fairly at peace lately, its been a really nice feeling compared to the few weeks until recently. I am really blessed to be given only good choices most of the time. I stress out about making the decisions, i think I am a bad decision maker…well maybe not bad at it but I don’t like making decisions. Which is interesting because I make decisions for my students all day long, but when it comes to my life not so much. I think it has to do partly with a fear of failure, and partly from a fear of missing out on something. I think part of my peacefulness comes from letting go of some things. Like my ideas and expectations of what moving here would be like. Yeah, all those ideas are out the door. I don’t regret it though, but I think I don’t regret it only because i’ve let go. I thought moving here was part of letting go, but in the end, I don’t think it was. Maybe letting go is having no expectations and letting what will be, be. Not that I won’t try and better myself and my life. I will just learn to let go more, worry less.
I finished the last weekend of CCTP. I met some awesome people. I am very glad to have had the experience. I think it is funny the way people describe their observation of me. I was the youngest there, and I got a lot of comments on people enjoying watching me “blossom” ha, I just wasn’t all that comfortable to begin with, once I got more comfortable my wit or smart assness came out, depending on how you would like to look at it So if I joke around with you right off the bat consider yourself lucky, that means I am comfortable around you. So in the end we were able to write a little something to each person in the program. I really like affirming people in that way. Not going to lie, I also like affirmation, but who doesn’t. The really lovely thing was that people were consistent when writing about me, and I don’t think they were just trying to be nice. It is nice to look at something and feel like people have a sense of me, and hopefully I was able to get a sense of them. I got a lot of gentle and kind soul comments. I hope that is true. I hope it makes people comfortable around me. I am going rock climbing on Saturday with one of the ladies, I haven’t been in a few months so I am excited to go. Then I am going home for a whole week! I can’t wait! I hope the week goes by quickly.

“Just sing a song and let love shine, cause that’s just life” March 24, 2009

This weekend was the best weekend I have had in a long time. It began Friday with Stations of the Cross at St. Benedict’s. It was an interesting service, I haven’t been to a Catholic Church since I was a child and then I only went once or twice. It was interesting to see how they did Stations of the Cross. Then I went to Impanema with Michelle, the food was excellent and the company. We then went to meet some of her friends at Emilio’s for some live Jazz music. The band was very fun and by the end of the night we were all dancing.
Saturday was a clothes swap at Alicia’s that included mimosas and trading old clothes for new to us clothes. Then we headed over to the Irish festival. All we really did there was drink free beer and watch one good bluegrass band. There was some dancing involved in that as well. After the festival I took a long nap and then went to dinner at Emily’s house. I hadn’t seen her in a long time so it was nice to catch up.
The weekend finale was Mrs. Farrell’s Ruckus. I know I am not a Mrs. Farrell but I am very lucky to be dubbed an honorary Mrs. Farrell. This Ruckus we went belly dancing. The woman who was teaching the lesson said we all did very well. She said that usually the white folks don’t get it right away, but the black folks do. Little does she know, I may look white but deep inside there is a funky black woman 
After the Ruckus I went to look at a room for rent in Montrose Heights which is right in between Church Hill and Fulton Hill, in the crack between the two hills. The room was great and so was the house. The woman who lives there seems like someone I could definitely get along with. She has the politest 6 year old I have ever met in my life. I must have made a good impression too because the little girl drew me a picture of me in the room. The little girl is quite the artist, in the down stairs bathroom she had painted under the chair rail a picture of the house with a sun and a big tree, birds and flowers, it is pretty sweet. I pray I get this room. I would be moving in mid May if I get it. It is also close enough that I can still be involved at Gabriel house. Plus I am closer to work.
I am trying to get another part time job, so if anyone knows of anything or has any suggestions let me know. I am available in the morning until noon. And in the evenings after 5pm. A coffee shop type job would be ideal. Or any job that has flexible hours since I will be going back to school.
So very exciting things happening; I have to be honest and say I did not expect things to turn out exciting, and I was incredibly worried for a while about how things were going to go down. It does look as if God has everything in control as always though. Even if it looks like crap to me at first, it all turns out at the end. I forget that a lot

Conversation/music March 19, 2009

I’ve been trying to pin point what makes a good conversation vs. a bad one. I know i’m not the leading person on starting a conversation, I am pretty shy in general. I think that part of my not starting conversations as often is that I would rather have a good conversation with someone rather than just talk to talk…unfortunately, once I get to know someone a little bit more I talk a bit too much, and I say some pretty silly things sometimes.

I think a good conversation with someone you don’t know that well still has some level of depth to it but can also just graze the surface. I’ve noticed an element of a good conversation is some sort of feeling. That feeling could even be a lightheartedness about a subject that leads to laughter. A good conversation is one where you can walk away feeling you have learned a bit about a persons story and perhaps a really good conversation is one where you can resonate with that persons story on some level.
So I am fairly able to know what I consider a good conversation and can walk away from conversations thinking that. However, the shallow conversations I have heard or been a part of, I can’t quite give them specific characteristics to fully explain why they were shallow conversations. Perhaps it is me and I found the person uninteresting or perhaps the person was unable to communicate their story well to me.

I could say what a good conversation on music is to me, given that I really like music. I could tell you the elements of that conversation would be that someone was talking about music that they resonate with on some level, even if it is just that the song makes them happy. I have heard shallow conversations about music, among other things, but for the sake of an example we will go with music. I just can’t pin point what made it a bad conversation.

A conversation about what is on a persons Ipod could be a bad conversation depending on the goal of saying what is on ones ipod. For example, “Omg, I can’t believe this is on your ipod” is probably the start of a bad conversation . If you are discussing musical taste and perhaps introducing someone to new music or music that means something to you then that could be a good conversation.

I do believe that music has the ability to resonate with me on a level where there are certain songs that can help share my story or how I feel at certain times. Music is my escape. So music was probably a bad example for good vs. bad conversation, since i’m probably pretty picky about the subject. This was probably a horribly incoherent post.

Does anyone have any thoughts on what makes a good or bad conversation? What are the elements of each?

“If I wander until I die may I know whose hand I’m in.” March 17, 2009

I have been having a really hard time with the fact that I can’t get in state tuition. It is also just hitting me that I am poor. I have lost sight of all the reasons and convictions I had for moving into the house I live in and only working part time. Which is a terrible place to be in because now all I can think of is how stinkin’ poor I am and how am I going to pay for school. I really want to go. I don’t want to teach…lots of people keep telling me, well you could get a public school teaching  job. Well I could, but I don’t like the system. I’d rather work outside the system and change it by being aware of what is going on in the districts and being an advocate for children and education. I would rather change children’s lives by helping them meet their basic needs so that they can be successful in school. I have seen too many kids with too much baggage that gets ignored so they can pass a standardized test. Children are not standardized everyone is individual, you can’t teach to a test and expect a child to be excited about learning. So I really want to go back to school so that I can help in that capacity.

My new life plan is to  move to England on a British Pass Port and work for a few months so I don’t feel like I wasted a year of adventuring or perusing some way to better myself by having an interesting life experience.  Not that I couldn’t do that working and living here. I really do like it here. I love my friends and my job and I am sure having work two jobs would build some sort of character. Everything just seems very uncertain right now, and this time there are no exciting options or options that seem concrete. Last time life was so uncertain I could choose anything and not go wrong, I don’t have that this time.

I have passed up the time and opportunity to live in England once before and if there is one thing I regret in life it is passing that opportunity up. If I lived there I could still be paying Va. state taxes and I could just treat England as holiday of sorts. Except that I would be working. The only problem I can see is I would want to go on my British citizenship which may screw with tuition again. Unless I still write down that my permanent address is here, which it will be. I don’t know, there has to be some loop hole, preferably a legal one.

On the verge of regret… March 12, 2009

Our house caught on fire yesterday. We didn’t have to call the fire department and nobody was hurt, but I now question the stability of the back porch beam holding up the roof. I hope the house doesn’t cave in, that would suck.
This adds to the list of drama since moving here. The house has been broken into, my bike was stolen. The house car was stolen, and now the house being on fire adds to the crazy list…all this happened in a mere 7 months.
On a completely different note, I am on a quest for in- state tuition for Graduate school. I am not sure I will find out before my April 1st deadline of letting the school know if I accept the acceptance. I may have to defer until 2010. I just want to get this show on the road!
I am going to look for a second part time job. I really like my job at the NRC so I am not going to quit to get a full time job. Working at a coffee shop could be nice. We shall see. I don’t want to work 2 part time jobs for a whole year though. Hmm…what to do? A few friends have offered to adopt me so I can get in-state tuition. It may boil down to a brawl in the middle of the street involving cats as weapons to see who gets to adopt me. I just want to be able to afford school, and life really. Living simply is not so simple.